StevenForbes
Friday, March 27, 2009, 06:33 PM
Hello, everyone! Welcome back to The Proving Grounds.
This week brings us Matthew Watkins. I'm going to tell everyone now, it's not pretty. Let's see what was done.
Department 5-19-16 (This should be in a header, or a cover sheet and header. As for the name, it needs a LOT of work.)
By
Matthew Watkins
(I stripped your e-mail addy from here.)
Page 1
Panel 1
Baghdad 2008 - An army hummer hauls ass down a dirt road between two buildings. (Wow. Okay, let’s see what we have here. Rather, let’s see what we don’t have here. We don’t have anything resembling a coherent establishing shot. Is it day or night? What’s the camera angle? Are we on the ground, or up above? Are there people about?)
CAPTION:
Baghdad, 2008 (Comma.)
Panel 2
Interior of the army hummer - Four soldiers ride in the hummer, two up front two in the back. Private Jimmy Veeks sits in the front passenger seat; he is looking over his shoulder at the two men in the back seat. Private Frank Steals and Private Bill Smith smile back at him. (Where is the camera? We can’t be in the jeep and see them all. Even if we were catty-cornered behind the driver, we may be able to see Veeks looking over his shoulder, we may be able to see them looking back at him, but we won’t be able to see the driver. There’s no way to see all four of them at the same time. You’ll already hard pressed to get three in the frame. It’s generally not going to happen. That’s first. Second, what are they wearing? You don’t say, and the artist is going to ask.)
PRIVATE JIMMY VEEKS:
This is our last day! Can’t wait to get the hell out of here.
Panel 3
The Hummer still hauling ass takes a right turn into a narrow alley. (How is this a good place to turn the page? It’s only three panels long, and only one person speaks. What is there of any interest to make someone want to turn the page? The only page-turning I’m foreseeing is the return of the front cover before it goes back on the shelf. Now, how effective are you going to be hauling ass while trying to make a turn? You’ve already said that they’re going between two houses. I’m imagining it’s going to be tight. Then you’re going to whip around a corner? The vehicle is going to slew, and they’re going to hit the building, hard. If they’re lucky, they’re going to hit the side of the hummer. More probable, they’re going to try to make the turn, and crash head first into the building on the left side. (Ever watched the show Automan? A computer generated character in the real world, and his car only made right angle turns. That’s the only car I know of that can make this turn at speed—and even then, it needs space to make the turn that I don’t think you have. Long story short: this cannot be done.)
Page 2 (page break)
Panel 1
A small boy runs in front of the Hummer, Sergeant Mike Jones who is driving slams on the brakes. (Sergeants don’t drive when there are privates around. Privates drive. That’s their job. Sergeants have other things to do, like look pretty and keep an eye out for danger. That’s first, and unimportant. This is almost a moving panel. I can see it happening in my head, but its not described well. Where is the camera? Is it inside the hummer? Is it outside of the hummer? Is it to the side? Is it on the opposite side of the boy, and we’re looking at the hummer past the kid? Is it a top-down view? Throw the artist a bone.)
Panel 2
The front of the Hummer is about a foot away from the boy. (Period. Again, where’s the camera? Inside? Outside? Worm’s eye view?
Panel 3
The four men in the Hummer look out the dirty front window of the Hummer; they can just see the top of the boys head.
SERGEANT JONES
Damn that was close!
PRIVATE STEALS:
Too close! (Spelling/grammar.)
Panel 4
The small boy runs across the alley and into an open door, the four men in the Hummer watch him go. (This is a moving panel. You cannot show both actions.)
PRIVATE SMITH
Let’s get out of here. (Since when do privates give orders to sgts?)
SERGEANT JONES
That sounds like a good idea.
Page 3 (page break)
Panel 1
A large bomb goes off directly under the Hummer. (That’s nice. Now, where are we when we see this?)
Panel 2
The force of the explosion blows Private Veeks out the passenger door of the Hummer. (Nope. This is forced, and I don’t believe it. If it blows him out of the vehicle, it kills him. That’s how explosions work. How its going to blow him out of the side instead of up and into pieces is beyond me.)
Panel 3
Private Veeks sails through the air his left arm is on fire. (This is a run-on sentence. How high does he go, and how far is he eventually going to fly? I can already tell you’re not going to give that info in the next panel. Not only are you not going to give anything concerning distance, this is still highly improbable. This is one of those bad 80s movies where things happen and are barely explained. And even then, the explanations are extremely weak.)
Page 4 (page break)
Panel 1
Private Veeks hits hard against the alley wall.
Panel 2
Black smoke bellows out of the wreckage of the Hummer. (Where is it in relation to the implausibly alive Veeks?)
Panel 3
With the help of the alley wall Private Veeks stands up. He has a very badly burned left arm and a one inch wound just above his right eyebrow.
Panel 4
Like a zombie, Private Veeks stumbles towards the wreckage. (This is a moving panel.)
Panel 5
Private Veeks stands a few feet away from the burning wreckage, black smoke wraps around him like a sinister snake. (The only good thing about this page is that it’s silent. That lends it some power.)
Page 5 (page break)
Panel 1
Private Veeks Still stands looking at the wreckage two Army Hummers have pulled up next to him. (Run on sentence. And how did they get there so fast?)
Panel 2
Army soldiers have taken up defensive positions around the scene. Sergeant Miles is standing next to Private Veeks. (Defensive positions for what? He should be dead at least twice. Once because of the bomb that the kid might have planted, and second from the gunfire that should have been there to finish the job.)
SERGEANT MILES
Come on let’s go.
PRIVATE JIMMY VEEKS
I can’t leave my friends behind.
SERGEANT MILES
Your friends are gone, there’s nothing more to do here. (Run on.)
Panel 3
Private Veeks follows Sergeant Miles down the alley towards a Hummer.
Panel 4
Close up of Private Veeks face - He has grabbed both sides of his head with his hands he cries out. His face is twisted and distorted from pain. Remember that Private Veeks left arm from his wrist to the top of his shoulder is very badly burned and that he has a one inch wound above his right eyebrow.
PRIVATE JIMMY VEEKS
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! (This is exactly how I feel.)
Panel 5
Private Veeks lies unconscious in the alley.
SERGEANT MILES
(Off Panel)
Help Him! Get him out of here!
Panel 6
Two Army soldiers drag Private Veeks down the alley towards a Hummer. (How is this a good place for a page turn? What makes it so interesting that you're going to get someone to turn the page?)
Really, that’s where I’m going to stop.
I want you to believe that I’m not being mean. I’ve always been honest, even if people don’t appreciate it. This, Matthew, is craptacular.
Let’s take it from the top.
Your panel descriptions are horrendous. If you’re not leaving out crucial details, you’re writing moving panels. If they’re not moving, they’re practically impossible to draw. Did you see any of this in your head? Have you tried to draw any of this yourself?
I’ve said it before, and I guess I have to say it again: you should start with an establishing shot whenever necessary, and that establishing shot should tell Who, When, and What at the very least. You’ve left out When totally, and from a reader’s pov, you’ve left out Who, as well. But we’ll get to that.
The moving panels are something that isn’t hard to learn. Just stop the action, and write what you see. Still images. The sooner you learn that, the sooner you’ll have to stop answering questions of your artist, or correcting the thumbnails they’re hopefully sending you.
The things that are impossible to draw…basically, you’re not seeing this in your head. You’re just writing, and not paying attention to simple things like physics. Picture every panel in your head as you write it. If you can’t picture it, then don’t write it. That is a very simple, very effective rule that everyone would do well to remember and live by. Picture it first, and if you can’t, don’t write it.
Okay, let’s talk about physics and plausibility.
Right off the bat, your hummer going down alleys at a high rate of speed and making 90 degree turns just isn’t going to fly. The things you were describing can only be found in horrible action movies. From the 80s. Not even Steven Segal would try to have some of this in his movies. Stated simply, it’s impossible.
Next comes the explosion. The one you don’t describe well at all. There’s no source for it. Does the boy plant a charge? Dunno. You don’t say he has anything in his hands when he runs out. Is there a land mine there? Dunno. And it’s doubtful, because then the people living in the area have the possibility of setting it off themselves. Is it a grenade or an rpg? Dunno. You don’t say. The vehicle just explodes, with no reason given. And it gets a LOT worse.
Because you don’t do a good job of explaining the explosion, I’m going to do a worst case scenario. The car explodes, but it doesn’t do a movie-type explosion where it gets shot up into the air. It just explodes there on the ground. (See what I did right there? I just described an explosion, which is something you failed to do.) Now, the force of this explosion blows your hero right out of the vehicle.
Right then and there, your hero is dead. If the force of the explosion is enough to blow him out of the vehicle, blowing him out of a friggin door, a door that’s more than likely armored, if it’s enough to kill the rest of the people in the vehicle, then he’s dead. There’s no way to survive the explosion. There’s no way to plausibly get him out of the vehicle through that explosion.
Next, we have him sailing through the air. You’re describing a parabolic arc, which is impossible if he’s being shot out of the side door like a rifle. There’s no arc, it’s just straight. Remember, I said the vehicle doesn’t fly up in the air when it explodes. So the two images don’t resolve, do they? (No, don’t talk to me about doing that on purpose. I’m doing it to make a point. If you had done your job and actually wrote a panel description, you wouldn’t be whining about it now.)
Nothing after that explosion really matters. You already killed your hero, but let’s finish this.
Where did the other hummer come from? It just appears out of nowhere. Is it magic? You didn’t set up anything like another patrol with them, so asking if it was magic is a viable question. And then they set up a defensive perimeter. I understand the protocol, but really, it’s too late by then. If there was going to be a firefight between any survivors, then that would have happened already, and soldier-boy would be dead all over again.
Let’s talk about protocol and characters for a bit, while I’m here. You don’t describe anything. What are they wearing? I’m only surmising they’re in hostile territory—the explosion, you know.—but you don’t describe anything besides the fact they’re in a hummer. So what are they wearing? Your artist is going to want to know. What branch of military are they in? Are they wearing any type of body armor? Where are their weapons? They’re just in clothes, going for a joyride. Got it.
And in these five pages, how are we to tell who’s who? How is the reader going to know the names of the people speaking? You don’t give a name where anyone can read it until page 7 or 8. Wait. P8. I just checked. And then, it’s only a first name, which is good enough. It’s not plausible, from where he’s at (a VA hospital), but it’s enough. However, by P8, it’s too late in the extreme.
Have you ever been in the military? Watched any movies that has some military culture in it? I don’t care if it’s Starship Troopers. Have you done anything resembling research on this project? And that’s just for things of a factual nature. Have you done anything besides research format? Because format is the easiest thing to get down. I don’t have any problems at all with the format. I’m having extreme problems with the content.
Have you read any of the articles in Bolts & Nuts? Have you read any professional scripts? Have you read any books on the subject? If you have, then you haven’t done anything to apply what you’ve learned to your writing. That’s evident in every word written here.
I’m not going to bag you on the dialogue, but that’s only because it wouldn’t be fair to you. It’s not really in evidence in what I’m putting up, so I won’t say much about it except that it also needs a lot of work. I know its vague and not helpful, but you have bigger problems here than worrying about dialogue. (Oh, and how he ends up in a coma ward is beyond me. How does he slip into a coma? Catatonia, sure, but I’m not seeing a coma.)
Read more scripts by anyone that is not Warren Ellis, Alan Moore, Grant Morrison, and Brian Bendis. Anyone outside of those four writers is fair game. Wait. Make it five. Neil Gaiman. I want you to learn how to tell a story in the medium first, and those writers are so advanced as to be almost useless to you.
Work on your panel descriptions, work on your storytelling, work on what can and cannot be drawn, think about what can and cannot be done in the physical universe.
Now, a little discussion for everyone else, because I know you’re probably up in arms. You’re used to me being honest, but not almost attacking someone’s writing. I don’t want anyone to think I’ve attacked Matthew. Attacking him is not helpful. Telling him where he went wrong is. Like I said before, I’m not going to mollycoddle anyone. I’m not going to pull punches, I’m not going to hold hands, I’m not going to tell you it’s going to be okay. That does a disservice to the writer, and I have more respect for you than that.
If anyone has a problem with what went on here, feel free to post it up, contact me through pm, or send me an e-mail.
That’s it for this week. Next week brings us Barri Lang again, and then Gary Edwards.
Until then, let’s discuss this.
This week brings us Matthew Watkins. I'm going to tell everyone now, it's not pretty. Let's see what was done.
Department 5-19-16 (This should be in a header, or a cover sheet and header. As for the name, it needs a LOT of work.)
By
Matthew Watkins
(I stripped your e-mail addy from here.)
Page 1
Panel 1
Baghdad 2008 - An army hummer hauls ass down a dirt road between two buildings. (Wow. Okay, let’s see what we have here. Rather, let’s see what we don’t have here. We don’t have anything resembling a coherent establishing shot. Is it day or night? What’s the camera angle? Are we on the ground, or up above? Are there people about?)
CAPTION:
Baghdad, 2008 (Comma.)
Panel 2
Interior of the army hummer - Four soldiers ride in the hummer, two up front two in the back. Private Jimmy Veeks sits in the front passenger seat; he is looking over his shoulder at the two men in the back seat. Private Frank Steals and Private Bill Smith smile back at him. (Where is the camera? We can’t be in the jeep and see them all. Even if we were catty-cornered behind the driver, we may be able to see Veeks looking over his shoulder, we may be able to see them looking back at him, but we won’t be able to see the driver. There’s no way to see all four of them at the same time. You’ll already hard pressed to get three in the frame. It’s generally not going to happen. That’s first. Second, what are they wearing? You don’t say, and the artist is going to ask.)
PRIVATE JIMMY VEEKS:
This is our last day! Can’t wait to get the hell out of here.
Panel 3
The Hummer still hauling ass takes a right turn into a narrow alley. (How is this a good place to turn the page? It’s only three panels long, and only one person speaks. What is there of any interest to make someone want to turn the page? The only page-turning I’m foreseeing is the return of the front cover before it goes back on the shelf. Now, how effective are you going to be hauling ass while trying to make a turn? You’ve already said that they’re going between two houses. I’m imagining it’s going to be tight. Then you’re going to whip around a corner? The vehicle is going to slew, and they’re going to hit the building, hard. If they’re lucky, they’re going to hit the side of the hummer. More probable, they’re going to try to make the turn, and crash head first into the building on the left side. (Ever watched the show Automan? A computer generated character in the real world, and his car only made right angle turns. That’s the only car I know of that can make this turn at speed—and even then, it needs space to make the turn that I don’t think you have. Long story short: this cannot be done.)
Page 2 (page break)
Panel 1
A small boy runs in front of the Hummer, Sergeant Mike Jones who is driving slams on the brakes. (Sergeants don’t drive when there are privates around. Privates drive. That’s their job. Sergeants have other things to do, like look pretty and keep an eye out for danger. That’s first, and unimportant. This is almost a moving panel. I can see it happening in my head, but its not described well. Where is the camera? Is it inside the hummer? Is it outside of the hummer? Is it to the side? Is it on the opposite side of the boy, and we’re looking at the hummer past the kid? Is it a top-down view? Throw the artist a bone.)
Panel 2
The front of the Hummer is about a foot away from the boy. (Period. Again, where’s the camera? Inside? Outside? Worm’s eye view?
Panel 3
The four men in the Hummer look out the dirty front window of the Hummer; they can just see the top of the boys head.
SERGEANT JONES
Damn that was close!
PRIVATE STEALS:
Too close! (Spelling/grammar.)
Panel 4
The small boy runs across the alley and into an open door, the four men in the Hummer watch him go. (This is a moving panel. You cannot show both actions.)
PRIVATE SMITH
Let’s get out of here. (Since when do privates give orders to sgts?)
SERGEANT JONES
That sounds like a good idea.
Page 3 (page break)
Panel 1
A large bomb goes off directly under the Hummer. (That’s nice. Now, where are we when we see this?)
Panel 2
The force of the explosion blows Private Veeks out the passenger door of the Hummer. (Nope. This is forced, and I don’t believe it. If it blows him out of the vehicle, it kills him. That’s how explosions work. How its going to blow him out of the side instead of up and into pieces is beyond me.)
Panel 3
Private Veeks sails through the air his left arm is on fire. (This is a run-on sentence. How high does he go, and how far is he eventually going to fly? I can already tell you’re not going to give that info in the next panel. Not only are you not going to give anything concerning distance, this is still highly improbable. This is one of those bad 80s movies where things happen and are barely explained. And even then, the explanations are extremely weak.)
Page 4 (page break)
Panel 1
Private Veeks hits hard against the alley wall.
Panel 2
Black smoke bellows out of the wreckage of the Hummer. (Where is it in relation to the implausibly alive Veeks?)
Panel 3
With the help of the alley wall Private Veeks stands up. He has a very badly burned left arm and a one inch wound just above his right eyebrow.
Panel 4
Like a zombie, Private Veeks stumbles towards the wreckage. (This is a moving panel.)
Panel 5
Private Veeks stands a few feet away from the burning wreckage, black smoke wraps around him like a sinister snake. (The only good thing about this page is that it’s silent. That lends it some power.)
Page 5 (page break)
Panel 1
Private Veeks Still stands looking at the wreckage two Army Hummers have pulled up next to him. (Run on sentence. And how did they get there so fast?)
Panel 2
Army soldiers have taken up defensive positions around the scene. Sergeant Miles is standing next to Private Veeks. (Defensive positions for what? He should be dead at least twice. Once because of the bomb that the kid might have planted, and second from the gunfire that should have been there to finish the job.)
SERGEANT MILES
Come on let’s go.
PRIVATE JIMMY VEEKS
I can’t leave my friends behind.
SERGEANT MILES
Your friends are gone, there’s nothing more to do here. (Run on.)
Panel 3
Private Veeks follows Sergeant Miles down the alley towards a Hummer.
Panel 4
Close up of Private Veeks face - He has grabbed both sides of his head with his hands he cries out. His face is twisted and distorted from pain. Remember that Private Veeks left arm from his wrist to the top of his shoulder is very badly burned and that he has a one inch wound above his right eyebrow.
PRIVATE JIMMY VEEKS
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! (This is exactly how I feel.)
Panel 5
Private Veeks lies unconscious in the alley.
SERGEANT MILES
(Off Panel)
Help Him! Get him out of here!
Panel 6
Two Army soldiers drag Private Veeks down the alley towards a Hummer. (How is this a good place for a page turn? What makes it so interesting that you're going to get someone to turn the page?)
Really, that’s where I’m going to stop.
I want you to believe that I’m not being mean. I’ve always been honest, even if people don’t appreciate it. This, Matthew, is craptacular.
Let’s take it from the top.
Your panel descriptions are horrendous. If you’re not leaving out crucial details, you’re writing moving panels. If they’re not moving, they’re practically impossible to draw. Did you see any of this in your head? Have you tried to draw any of this yourself?
I’ve said it before, and I guess I have to say it again: you should start with an establishing shot whenever necessary, and that establishing shot should tell Who, When, and What at the very least. You’ve left out When totally, and from a reader’s pov, you’ve left out Who, as well. But we’ll get to that.
The moving panels are something that isn’t hard to learn. Just stop the action, and write what you see. Still images. The sooner you learn that, the sooner you’ll have to stop answering questions of your artist, or correcting the thumbnails they’re hopefully sending you.
The things that are impossible to draw…basically, you’re not seeing this in your head. You’re just writing, and not paying attention to simple things like physics. Picture every panel in your head as you write it. If you can’t picture it, then don’t write it. That is a very simple, very effective rule that everyone would do well to remember and live by. Picture it first, and if you can’t, don’t write it.
Okay, let’s talk about physics and plausibility.
Right off the bat, your hummer going down alleys at a high rate of speed and making 90 degree turns just isn’t going to fly. The things you were describing can only be found in horrible action movies. From the 80s. Not even Steven Segal would try to have some of this in his movies. Stated simply, it’s impossible.
Next comes the explosion. The one you don’t describe well at all. There’s no source for it. Does the boy plant a charge? Dunno. You don’t say he has anything in his hands when he runs out. Is there a land mine there? Dunno. And it’s doubtful, because then the people living in the area have the possibility of setting it off themselves. Is it a grenade or an rpg? Dunno. You don’t say. The vehicle just explodes, with no reason given. And it gets a LOT worse.
Because you don’t do a good job of explaining the explosion, I’m going to do a worst case scenario. The car explodes, but it doesn’t do a movie-type explosion where it gets shot up into the air. It just explodes there on the ground. (See what I did right there? I just described an explosion, which is something you failed to do.) Now, the force of this explosion blows your hero right out of the vehicle.
Right then and there, your hero is dead. If the force of the explosion is enough to blow him out of the vehicle, blowing him out of a friggin door, a door that’s more than likely armored, if it’s enough to kill the rest of the people in the vehicle, then he’s dead. There’s no way to survive the explosion. There’s no way to plausibly get him out of the vehicle through that explosion.
Next, we have him sailing through the air. You’re describing a parabolic arc, which is impossible if he’s being shot out of the side door like a rifle. There’s no arc, it’s just straight. Remember, I said the vehicle doesn’t fly up in the air when it explodes. So the two images don’t resolve, do they? (No, don’t talk to me about doing that on purpose. I’m doing it to make a point. If you had done your job and actually wrote a panel description, you wouldn’t be whining about it now.)
Nothing after that explosion really matters. You already killed your hero, but let’s finish this.
Where did the other hummer come from? It just appears out of nowhere. Is it magic? You didn’t set up anything like another patrol with them, so asking if it was magic is a viable question. And then they set up a defensive perimeter. I understand the protocol, but really, it’s too late by then. If there was going to be a firefight between any survivors, then that would have happened already, and soldier-boy would be dead all over again.
Let’s talk about protocol and characters for a bit, while I’m here. You don’t describe anything. What are they wearing? I’m only surmising they’re in hostile territory—the explosion, you know.—but you don’t describe anything besides the fact they’re in a hummer. So what are they wearing? Your artist is going to want to know. What branch of military are they in? Are they wearing any type of body armor? Where are their weapons? They’re just in clothes, going for a joyride. Got it.
And in these five pages, how are we to tell who’s who? How is the reader going to know the names of the people speaking? You don’t give a name where anyone can read it until page 7 or 8. Wait. P8. I just checked. And then, it’s only a first name, which is good enough. It’s not plausible, from where he’s at (a VA hospital), but it’s enough. However, by P8, it’s too late in the extreme.
Have you ever been in the military? Watched any movies that has some military culture in it? I don’t care if it’s Starship Troopers. Have you done anything resembling research on this project? And that’s just for things of a factual nature. Have you done anything besides research format? Because format is the easiest thing to get down. I don’t have any problems at all with the format. I’m having extreme problems with the content.
Have you read any of the articles in Bolts & Nuts? Have you read any professional scripts? Have you read any books on the subject? If you have, then you haven’t done anything to apply what you’ve learned to your writing. That’s evident in every word written here.
I’m not going to bag you on the dialogue, but that’s only because it wouldn’t be fair to you. It’s not really in evidence in what I’m putting up, so I won’t say much about it except that it also needs a lot of work. I know its vague and not helpful, but you have bigger problems here than worrying about dialogue. (Oh, and how he ends up in a coma ward is beyond me. How does he slip into a coma? Catatonia, sure, but I’m not seeing a coma.)
Read more scripts by anyone that is not Warren Ellis, Alan Moore, Grant Morrison, and Brian Bendis. Anyone outside of those four writers is fair game. Wait. Make it five. Neil Gaiman. I want you to learn how to tell a story in the medium first, and those writers are so advanced as to be almost useless to you.
Work on your panel descriptions, work on your storytelling, work on what can and cannot be drawn, think about what can and cannot be done in the physical universe.
Now, a little discussion for everyone else, because I know you’re probably up in arms. You’re used to me being honest, but not almost attacking someone’s writing. I don’t want anyone to think I’ve attacked Matthew. Attacking him is not helpful. Telling him where he went wrong is. Like I said before, I’m not going to mollycoddle anyone. I’m not going to pull punches, I’m not going to hold hands, I’m not going to tell you it’s going to be okay. That does a disservice to the writer, and I have more respect for you than that.
If anyone has a problem with what went on here, feel free to post it up, contact me through pm, or send me an e-mail.
That’s it for this week. Next week brings us Barri Lang again, and then Gary Edwards.
Until then, let’s discuss this.