StevenForbes
Friday, August 14, 2009, 03:07 PM
Hello, all! Once again, a Brave One steps onto the Proving Grounds! Aaron sent me this script almost out of the blue. He'd been lurking, and finally decided to step out of the shadows. Let's see how he does.
1955
Art Notes: The year is 1955, roughly early June. The main city that this story takes place is New York City, though it will never be referred to being New York as I’d like NYC landmarks, such as Rockefeller Center, Empire State Building, and even the Statue of Liberty to be shown, but there will also be other fictional landmarks that will be shown later in the story, such as Heroes Plaza, a memorial for the WWII Super Heroes who died in war. This is a city that needs to look very “Happy Days” clean cut, bright and cheery. As the story progresses though, the city needs to slowly start to revert into a darker version of the 1950’s ideals. Anything that can be added to the background to show the times is fine, for instance, posters for Disney’s “Lady and the Tramp” and “Damn Yankees” is playing on Broadway. Also, remember, the Cold War is going on, McCarthyism, and the beginning of the Civil Rights movement are all taking place. The panels and pacing need to somewhat emulate the layout styles of the 1950’s comic books, but with a modern art style. I have thumbnails to go along with the script for what I’m visualizing, but if there is something else you see that would work better, by all means, go with it. Character Designs and descriptions will be provided for the main characters and sub-characters, all other background characters such as police, bystanders, and reporters can be designed at the artist’s discretion, just make sure they stay within the parameters of the era.
Lettering Note: Most of the speakers in the script will be represented by abbreviations. For the most part these should be easy to understand, others will be spelled out first then abbreviated. Also, most of the dialogue won’t be broken up since it breaks up the flow of writing for me, but feel free to break up sentences into new word balloons at your discretion. (This is both good and bad. You need to learn how to write for comics, which means you need to learn to stay in your flow even though you break up balloons. Otherwise, you run the risk of being too wordy.)
Page 1:
Panel 1: Splash page, mid-day, June, mostly sunny skies. Mr. Supreme is flying up at an angle by a DC-6 propeller style airplane with a villain flung over his right shoulder. A little kid is staring back out the window at Mr. Supreme waving and smiling as he sees his favorite hero fly by.
Caption: 1955.
Caption: 30,000 feet above the earth, the Earth’s greatest hero once again saves the day from the vile tyranny of—
Caption: THE RED ROCKET!
Caption: Unfortunately for THE RED ROCKET, he did not count on the interference of America’s First Son!
Caption: But it’s just another day for—
Caption: MR. SUPREME!
Caption: Endorsed by Eisenhower himself as the poster boy for America in its fight against the Red Scare, MR. SUPREME emerged shortly before World War 2.
Caption: Taking the fight to the Nazis, MR. SUPREME fought alongside many great heroes of the war before becoming the icon of America.
Caption: Now, older, wiser, more powerful, MR. SUPREME protects the virtues of Democracy, Capitalism, and everything that is America! (I’m going to reserve judgment just as yet on the tone, but it’s sticking in my craw a little. Besides that, I want you to put a space between every element in your script. This is simple Scripting 101.)
Page 2: (page break)
Panel 1: Mr. Supreme lands with the villain on his shoulders in front of the authorities. (No. Where is this? Just because you think you did your job up top doesn’t mean you can skimp here in the actual script itself. Do your job, or else the artist is going to either ask you a ton of questions that you’re going to have to answer, or they’ll take it upon themselves to fill in the blanks, and you won’t get what you’re looking for. Do a proper panel description. Don’t be lazy.)
Mr. S: Here is the Red Rocket gentlemen! He was the one causing all the ruckus downtown, but never fear, for I; MR. SUPREME was here to save the day! (28 words. You’re pushing it already. Watch your punctuation. You need a comma in the first sentence, and you have a semicolon where you need a comma. As for the tone…this sounds very overblown. Did you study how comics “spoke” at the time? This isn’t it. They were overblown, but nothing like the crap you wrote here.)
Panel 2: The police captain shakes Mr. Supreme’s hand as he takes the villain. (Sparse. Could use some beefing up.)
Captain: Thanks Mr. Supreme, we would’ve never caught him had it not been for YOU! You’ve done your city proud once again! (21/49.)
Panel 3: Two police officers are joking around in the background about Mr. Supreme. (Just a little sparse. Just a skotch.)
Police 1: What a PRICK! Captain Goody-two-Shoes strikes again! (7/56.)
Police 2: Yeah, it’d be better if everyone realized this city would be better off without him! All the whack jobs in tights think they need to make a name for themselves in our city! That DAMN Eisenhower ain’t gonna do anything about it either. Thinks he’s just the type of Boy Scout our country needs. (54/110. And this is what I mean right here. Right here in this panel, you go over 35 words. While not a hard and fast rule, this is just a gross mismanagement of space, because you don’t know how to write for your chosen medium. And this is only the second person talking in this panel.)
Police 1: Yeah, just because he fought on the frontlines, Ike thinks he's some kinda hero! (14/124. However, for this panel, we have a grand total of 75 words! Congratulations! No art can be shown!)
Panel 4: Another cop comes up to put a stop to the comments.
Police 3: Hey, knock it off; he does have super sonic hearing after all.
Police 1: Oh sorry, I’d hate to hurt his feelings! (Learn proper punctuation.)
Panel 5: Mr. Supreme prepares to take off as he finishes with the captain. (What does that mean? How can this be shown?)
Mr. S: --I’m just doing my job sir!
Captain: Well you keep doing your job Mr. Supreme and we’ll keep doing ours. (Learn punctuation.)
Panel 6: Mr. Supreme flies away. (How far up is he? Is he just taking off? Is he flying past the joking cops? Is he smiling? Is there no end to my questions? And this is a boring page turn. Not badly placed, just boring. It’s P2. There’s no incentive to turn to P3.)
Mr. S: Off to battle more “whack jobs in tights” (Punctuation.)
Page 3: (page break)
Panel 1: Mr. Supreme is standing vigilant over the city as he hovers in the air. It’s becoming dusk as the sun begins to set and the city’s lights begin to turn on. (With a strong artist, this could be a very strong panel.)
Panel 2: From behind Mr. Supreme comes flying up Miss Atom. (Me saying anything here would just be pissy. I’m not pissy. But there are clearer ways to say this.)
M.A.: Well howdy there stranger! (Learn punctuation.)
Panel 3: Full shot of Miss Atom in all her glory as she flies next to Mr. Supreme. (Again, there are clearer ways to say this, especially since it sounds similar to the last panel. And what’s Supreme doing there? Does he turn to face her? Keep his back to her? Give her any indication that he’s heard her? Put it in the panel description.)
M.A.: I heard about your battle with Red Rocket earlier today! Nicely done.
Mr. S: It was nothing. All in a day’s work for me! (Is he really that much of an asshole? Hopefully, this is a plot development that comes into play later.)
M.A.: So, what’s your plan for tonight, need any help patrolling the city? (Learn punctuation.)
Mr. S: I can handle the city, after all, I am Mr. Supreme, and it’s what I do best. But if you’d like to help me with other things, I’ll be more than glad to oblige. (Yep. Asshole. 34 words in this balloon, too.)
Caption: One of the many other heroes of the city--- (No. First, this should be in the previous panel. That’s first. At least this caption. The second one can stay in this panel. Secondly, when you’re writing, think about where you want things to appear, and write them in that order. Usually, captions will appear before word balloons. Usually. The way you have it here, it’s talking, talking, talking, caption, caption. While it’s not wrong, I just want you to be aware of the order things will appear when it gets to the letterer.)
Caption: The vivacious MISS ATOM!
Panel 4: Miss Atom looks troubled by Mr. Supreme’s advances.
M.A.: John, I’m a married woman now, I have a little girl now. (Learn punctuation.)
Mr. S: That never stopped you before sweetheart. In fact, last time I checked, you enjoyed my company. Maybe more than whatever your ‘HUSBAND’S” name is. If I didn’t know better I’d think little Sally WAS mine. (Learn punctuation. And you’re too wordy. This is exactly what I was talking about at the very outset. Learn how to write for your medium.)
M.A.: SARAH, my daughter’s name is Sarah, and my HUSBAND’S name is Benjamin. And don’t you dare for one second think Sarah is yours. You know this all JOHN, why do you have to be like this? (Too wordy.)
Panel 5: Miss Atom flies off as Mr. Supreme taunts her. (This works as a page turn only because of the dialogue.)
Mr. S: Don’t worry sweet cheeks; I’ll be here when you’re ready for a real man again. We both know you’re husband can’t fulfill your needs like I can. If you need me, look for the guy saving the day! (Too wordy. Learn punctuation. Noticing a trend here?)
Page 4:
Panel 1: It is now dark across the skies. A woman screams out in the night as a mugger attacks her. (How is the reader supposed to know it’s a mugger?)
Woman: (scream) (Which sounds like what?)
Panel 2: The mugger takes off running with the woman’s purse and her pearls. (Where is this at?)
Panel 3: The mugger runs into the chest of Mr. Supreme.
Mr. S: That bag doesn’t really go with your outfit sir! Maybe you should give it back. (Learn punctuation. It’s looking like commas are your kryptonite.)
Panel 4: The mugger pulls out his gun and fires off a couple of rounds into Mr. Supreme’s chest.
Mr. S: Really? Have you not read the papers simpleton? I am Mr. Supreme, the greatest hero this country has or ever will have! It’ll take MORE than a couple bullets to stop me! (Yeah. He’s a blowhard, and you’re wordy. Learn punctuation.)
Panel 5: The Aryan comes flying down from above as he prepares to attack Mr. Supremes. (Pay attention to your character names. What’s “Mr. Supremes” doing? And where’s Diana Ross? At least this is a decent page turn.)
The Aryan: There you are pretty boy! I’ve been looking all over for you! (Learn punctuation.)
Page 5:
Panel 1: The Aryan is flying above Mr. Supreme taunting him.
T.A.: It’s been 10 years since I last saw you in my motherland! Ten years since you invaded my mother Germany with your Allied Forces! My Fuhrer Hitler may be gone, but his dream is not forgotten! (I may need to scrub my brain when this is over.)
Panel 2: Mr. Supreme flies up knocking back The Aryan with a lot of force. (How about an actual description here? What does “a lot of force” mean?)
Mr. S: The Nazi’s lost Aryan! You lost! You should have stayed dead, along with your leash holder! (Learn punctuation.)
Panel 3: Mr. Supreme knocks The Aryan back into the streets below where there are people who have gathered to see their hero battle another villain.
Mr. S: You’ve made a grave mistake villain by trying to attack me in my home. (Learn punctuation.)
Panel 4: Mr. Supreme drops down in front of the downed Aryan as he shouts out his catch phrase to the onlookers.
Mr. S: STAND BACK CITIZENS! I have this under control! (Stand back citizens is a catchphrase? Learn punctuation.)
And I’m done. Let’s go over this.
I’ll start with the panel descriptions, as I generally do.
Your panel descriptions are very sparse in places, and generally need some beefing up. Putting a block of text at the beginning of the script isn’t adequate. That only gives an overview of a single location, not the specifics of the locations where the actions are happening.
Also, work on the clarity of your panel descriptions. If you’re having trouble getting your idea across, don’t be afraid to use more words. Use as many words as you need to in order to get across the idea of the action, and when you get it, cut it down to a manageable size. Doing this a few times will help you to get to what you’re really trying to say. It will also help you to learn to self-edit, which every writer needs to learn to do.
Basically, you’re a lazy writer when it comes to your panel descriptions, because you think the blurb at the top is all you needed to do in order to get your point across. This thinking is wrong. You still need to write adequate panel descriptions. Stop being lazy.
And really, it’s a trend that I’m seeing more and more here in TPG. I don’t know why, and I’m not liking it. It’s like you’re (the group) becoming afraid of writing an actual panel description, or of doing an establishing shot, or of getting called out for moving panels. The blocks of text that you put up front DO NOT HELP YOU. You STILL need to talk to your artists about what you want on the page. Going back and forth from one page to another isn’t going to be a good working condition for them. All of you need to stop being lazy. Learn to do your job.
Another lazy point is your dialogue “technique.” You may think that it works for you, but I’m telling you right now, it’s lazy and it’s leading you down a path of “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing,” as well as “I’m too damned wordy for my own good.” If you’ve been lurking for a while, as you stated, you’ve had no choice but to have seen some mention of my other column, Bolts & Nuts. You should have gone there to see some guidelines for scripting. If you come back and say that you have, then I’m going to say that you haven’t taken the time to learn any of the lessons presented there.
You can write a script any way you wish, but when you submit it for editing, it needs to fit the editorial mandates of the company you’re writing for, if you happen to be so lucky. That means writing large blocks of dialogue are out. If you handed this script to me as a working editor, I’d look at the top paragraphs, and then hand it back to you and tell you to hand it in when you’ve learned how to write for your medium.
I don’t care about you having to break your flow. Learn to write around it. Leaving it up to the letterer is just lazy. And for them to try to either fit all of your words in a balloon puts an unnecessary strain on them, or for them to edit your words down to a reasonable number is outside of their job description. Basically, Aaron, I’m saying you need to first learn your job, and then do it. Don’t foist it off on others.
You have a problem with commas. I suggest picking up a book on grammar, or going back to school, if not both.
Your dialogue is craptacular. I know you’re trying to evoke the sound of the time, but you’re doing it wrong. I suggest getting some old comics and reading them in order to get a sense of how they spoke then.
The only character that shows any true personality is Mr. Supreme, and he’s an asshole. Totally unlikable. If that was the goal, congratulations, you got something right besides basic formatting. Almost. Now, learn to do it in less words.
These five pages aren’t that boring. You’ve got a hero being an asshole (because ‘jerk’ isn’t a strong enough word), you’ve got a fight, but I’m not getting a sense of story. Granted, this is only five pages, but I’m just getting the sense that there’s nothing more. The shame is, I’m not willing to subject myself to more of the same to see if there’s any substance here.
Learn to write for your medium, learn to use commas, and learn to get something of a sense of story within the first few pages.
You have your work cut out for you.
See the list for who’s next, and in the meantime, let’s discuss this.
1955
Art Notes: The year is 1955, roughly early June. The main city that this story takes place is New York City, though it will never be referred to being New York as I’d like NYC landmarks, such as Rockefeller Center, Empire State Building, and even the Statue of Liberty to be shown, but there will also be other fictional landmarks that will be shown later in the story, such as Heroes Plaza, a memorial for the WWII Super Heroes who died in war. This is a city that needs to look very “Happy Days” clean cut, bright and cheery. As the story progresses though, the city needs to slowly start to revert into a darker version of the 1950’s ideals. Anything that can be added to the background to show the times is fine, for instance, posters for Disney’s “Lady and the Tramp” and “Damn Yankees” is playing on Broadway. Also, remember, the Cold War is going on, McCarthyism, and the beginning of the Civil Rights movement are all taking place. The panels and pacing need to somewhat emulate the layout styles of the 1950’s comic books, but with a modern art style. I have thumbnails to go along with the script for what I’m visualizing, but if there is something else you see that would work better, by all means, go with it. Character Designs and descriptions will be provided for the main characters and sub-characters, all other background characters such as police, bystanders, and reporters can be designed at the artist’s discretion, just make sure they stay within the parameters of the era.
Lettering Note: Most of the speakers in the script will be represented by abbreviations. For the most part these should be easy to understand, others will be spelled out first then abbreviated. Also, most of the dialogue won’t be broken up since it breaks up the flow of writing for me, but feel free to break up sentences into new word balloons at your discretion. (This is both good and bad. You need to learn how to write for comics, which means you need to learn to stay in your flow even though you break up balloons. Otherwise, you run the risk of being too wordy.)
Page 1:
Panel 1: Splash page, mid-day, June, mostly sunny skies. Mr. Supreme is flying up at an angle by a DC-6 propeller style airplane with a villain flung over his right shoulder. A little kid is staring back out the window at Mr. Supreme waving and smiling as he sees his favorite hero fly by.
Caption: 1955.
Caption: 30,000 feet above the earth, the Earth’s greatest hero once again saves the day from the vile tyranny of—
Caption: THE RED ROCKET!
Caption: Unfortunately for THE RED ROCKET, he did not count on the interference of America’s First Son!
Caption: But it’s just another day for—
Caption: MR. SUPREME!
Caption: Endorsed by Eisenhower himself as the poster boy for America in its fight against the Red Scare, MR. SUPREME emerged shortly before World War 2.
Caption: Taking the fight to the Nazis, MR. SUPREME fought alongside many great heroes of the war before becoming the icon of America.
Caption: Now, older, wiser, more powerful, MR. SUPREME protects the virtues of Democracy, Capitalism, and everything that is America! (I’m going to reserve judgment just as yet on the tone, but it’s sticking in my craw a little. Besides that, I want you to put a space between every element in your script. This is simple Scripting 101.)
Page 2: (page break)
Panel 1: Mr. Supreme lands with the villain on his shoulders in front of the authorities. (No. Where is this? Just because you think you did your job up top doesn’t mean you can skimp here in the actual script itself. Do your job, or else the artist is going to either ask you a ton of questions that you’re going to have to answer, or they’ll take it upon themselves to fill in the blanks, and you won’t get what you’re looking for. Do a proper panel description. Don’t be lazy.)
Mr. S: Here is the Red Rocket gentlemen! He was the one causing all the ruckus downtown, but never fear, for I; MR. SUPREME was here to save the day! (28 words. You’re pushing it already. Watch your punctuation. You need a comma in the first sentence, and you have a semicolon where you need a comma. As for the tone…this sounds very overblown. Did you study how comics “spoke” at the time? This isn’t it. They were overblown, but nothing like the crap you wrote here.)
Panel 2: The police captain shakes Mr. Supreme’s hand as he takes the villain. (Sparse. Could use some beefing up.)
Captain: Thanks Mr. Supreme, we would’ve never caught him had it not been for YOU! You’ve done your city proud once again! (21/49.)
Panel 3: Two police officers are joking around in the background about Mr. Supreme. (Just a little sparse. Just a skotch.)
Police 1: What a PRICK! Captain Goody-two-Shoes strikes again! (7/56.)
Police 2: Yeah, it’d be better if everyone realized this city would be better off without him! All the whack jobs in tights think they need to make a name for themselves in our city! That DAMN Eisenhower ain’t gonna do anything about it either. Thinks he’s just the type of Boy Scout our country needs. (54/110. And this is what I mean right here. Right here in this panel, you go over 35 words. While not a hard and fast rule, this is just a gross mismanagement of space, because you don’t know how to write for your chosen medium. And this is only the second person talking in this panel.)
Police 1: Yeah, just because he fought on the frontlines, Ike thinks he's some kinda hero! (14/124. However, for this panel, we have a grand total of 75 words! Congratulations! No art can be shown!)
Panel 4: Another cop comes up to put a stop to the comments.
Police 3: Hey, knock it off; he does have super sonic hearing after all.
Police 1: Oh sorry, I’d hate to hurt his feelings! (Learn proper punctuation.)
Panel 5: Mr. Supreme prepares to take off as he finishes with the captain. (What does that mean? How can this be shown?)
Mr. S: --I’m just doing my job sir!
Captain: Well you keep doing your job Mr. Supreme and we’ll keep doing ours. (Learn punctuation.)
Panel 6: Mr. Supreme flies away. (How far up is he? Is he just taking off? Is he flying past the joking cops? Is he smiling? Is there no end to my questions? And this is a boring page turn. Not badly placed, just boring. It’s P2. There’s no incentive to turn to P3.)
Mr. S: Off to battle more “whack jobs in tights” (Punctuation.)
Page 3: (page break)
Panel 1: Mr. Supreme is standing vigilant over the city as he hovers in the air. It’s becoming dusk as the sun begins to set and the city’s lights begin to turn on. (With a strong artist, this could be a very strong panel.)
Panel 2: From behind Mr. Supreme comes flying up Miss Atom. (Me saying anything here would just be pissy. I’m not pissy. But there are clearer ways to say this.)
M.A.: Well howdy there stranger! (Learn punctuation.)
Panel 3: Full shot of Miss Atom in all her glory as she flies next to Mr. Supreme. (Again, there are clearer ways to say this, especially since it sounds similar to the last panel. And what’s Supreme doing there? Does he turn to face her? Keep his back to her? Give her any indication that he’s heard her? Put it in the panel description.)
M.A.: I heard about your battle with Red Rocket earlier today! Nicely done.
Mr. S: It was nothing. All in a day’s work for me! (Is he really that much of an asshole? Hopefully, this is a plot development that comes into play later.)
M.A.: So, what’s your plan for tonight, need any help patrolling the city? (Learn punctuation.)
Mr. S: I can handle the city, after all, I am Mr. Supreme, and it’s what I do best. But if you’d like to help me with other things, I’ll be more than glad to oblige. (Yep. Asshole. 34 words in this balloon, too.)
Caption: One of the many other heroes of the city--- (No. First, this should be in the previous panel. That’s first. At least this caption. The second one can stay in this panel. Secondly, when you’re writing, think about where you want things to appear, and write them in that order. Usually, captions will appear before word balloons. Usually. The way you have it here, it’s talking, talking, talking, caption, caption. While it’s not wrong, I just want you to be aware of the order things will appear when it gets to the letterer.)
Caption: The vivacious MISS ATOM!
Panel 4: Miss Atom looks troubled by Mr. Supreme’s advances.
M.A.: John, I’m a married woman now, I have a little girl now. (Learn punctuation.)
Mr. S: That never stopped you before sweetheart. In fact, last time I checked, you enjoyed my company. Maybe more than whatever your ‘HUSBAND’S” name is. If I didn’t know better I’d think little Sally WAS mine. (Learn punctuation. And you’re too wordy. This is exactly what I was talking about at the very outset. Learn how to write for your medium.)
M.A.: SARAH, my daughter’s name is Sarah, and my HUSBAND’S name is Benjamin. And don’t you dare for one second think Sarah is yours. You know this all JOHN, why do you have to be like this? (Too wordy.)
Panel 5: Miss Atom flies off as Mr. Supreme taunts her. (This works as a page turn only because of the dialogue.)
Mr. S: Don’t worry sweet cheeks; I’ll be here when you’re ready for a real man again. We both know you’re husband can’t fulfill your needs like I can. If you need me, look for the guy saving the day! (Too wordy. Learn punctuation. Noticing a trend here?)
Page 4:
Panel 1: It is now dark across the skies. A woman screams out in the night as a mugger attacks her. (How is the reader supposed to know it’s a mugger?)
Woman: (scream) (Which sounds like what?)
Panel 2: The mugger takes off running with the woman’s purse and her pearls. (Where is this at?)
Panel 3: The mugger runs into the chest of Mr. Supreme.
Mr. S: That bag doesn’t really go with your outfit sir! Maybe you should give it back. (Learn punctuation. It’s looking like commas are your kryptonite.)
Panel 4: The mugger pulls out his gun and fires off a couple of rounds into Mr. Supreme’s chest.
Mr. S: Really? Have you not read the papers simpleton? I am Mr. Supreme, the greatest hero this country has or ever will have! It’ll take MORE than a couple bullets to stop me! (Yeah. He’s a blowhard, and you’re wordy. Learn punctuation.)
Panel 5: The Aryan comes flying down from above as he prepares to attack Mr. Supremes. (Pay attention to your character names. What’s “Mr. Supremes” doing? And where’s Diana Ross? At least this is a decent page turn.)
The Aryan: There you are pretty boy! I’ve been looking all over for you! (Learn punctuation.)
Page 5:
Panel 1: The Aryan is flying above Mr. Supreme taunting him.
T.A.: It’s been 10 years since I last saw you in my motherland! Ten years since you invaded my mother Germany with your Allied Forces! My Fuhrer Hitler may be gone, but his dream is not forgotten! (I may need to scrub my brain when this is over.)
Panel 2: Mr. Supreme flies up knocking back The Aryan with a lot of force. (How about an actual description here? What does “a lot of force” mean?)
Mr. S: The Nazi’s lost Aryan! You lost! You should have stayed dead, along with your leash holder! (Learn punctuation.)
Panel 3: Mr. Supreme knocks The Aryan back into the streets below where there are people who have gathered to see their hero battle another villain.
Mr. S: You’ve made a grave mistake villain by trying to attack me in my home. (Learn punctuation.)
Panel 4: Mr. Supreme drops down in front of the downed Aryan as he shouts out his catch phrase to the onlookers.
Mr. S: STAND BACK CITIZENS! I have this under control! (Stand back citizens is a catchphrase? Learn punctuation.)
And I’m done. Let’s go over this.
I’ll start with the panel descriptions, as I generally do.
Your panel descriptions are very sparse in places, and generally need some beefing up. Putting a block of text at the beginning of the script isn’t adequate. That only gives an overview of a single location, not the specifics of the locations where the actions are happening.
Also, work on the clarity of your panel descriptions. If you’re having trouble getting your idea across, don’t be afraid to use more words. Use as many words as you need to in order to get across the idea of the action, and when you get it, cut it down to a manageable size. Doing this a few times will help you to get to what you’re really trying to say. It will also help you to learn to self-edit, which every writer needs to learn to do.
Basically, you’re a lazy writer when it comes to your panel descriptions, because you think the blurb at the top is all you needed to do in order to get your point across. This thinking is wrong. You still need to write adequate panel descriptions. Stop being lazy.
And really, it’s a trend that I’m seeing more and more here in TPG. I don’t know why, and I’m not liking it. It’s like you’re (the group) becoming afraid of writing an actual panel description, or of doing an establishing shot, or of getting called out for moving panels. The blocks of text that you put up front DO NOT HELP YOU. You STILL need to talk to your artists about what you want on the page. Going back and forth from one page to another isn’t going to be a good working condition for them. All of you need to stop being lazy. Learn to do your job.
Another lazy point is your dialogue “technique.” You may think that it works for you, but I’m telling you right now, it’s lazy and it’s leading you down a path of “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing,” as well as “I’m too damned wordy for my own good.” If you’ve been lurking for a while, as you stated, you’ve had no choice but to have seen some mention of my other column, Bolts & Nuts. You should have gone there to see some guidelines for scripting. If you come back and say that you have, then I’m going to say that you haven’t taken the time to learn any of the lessons presented there.
You can write a script any way you wish, but when you submit it for editing, it needs to fit the editorial mandates of the company you’re writing for, if you happen to be so lucky. That means writing large blocks of dialogue are out. If you handed this script to me as a working editor, I’d look at the top paragraphs, and then hand it back to you and tell you to hand it in when you’ve learned how to write for your medium.
I don’t care about you having to break your flow. Learn to write around it. Leaving it up to the letterer is just lazy. And for them to try to either fit all of your words in a balloon puts an unnecessary strain on them, or for them to edit your words down to a reasonable number is outside of their job description. Basically, Aaron, I’m saying you need to first learn your job, and then do it. Don’t foist it off on others.
You have a problem with commas. I suggest picking up a book on grammar, or going back to school, if not both.
Your dialogue is craptacular. I know you’re trying to evoke the sound of the time, but you’re doing it wrong. I suggest getting some old comics and reading them in order to get a sense of how they spoke then.
The only character that shows any true personality is Mr. Supreme, and he’s an asshole. Totally unlikable. If that was the goal, congratulations, you got something right besides basic formatting. Almost. Now, learn to do it in less words.
These five pages aren’t that boring. You’ve got a hero being an asshole (because ‘jerk’ isn’t a strong enough word), you’ve got a fight, but I’m not getting a sense of story. Granted, this is only five pages, but I’m just getting the sense that there’s nothing more. The shame is, I’m not willing to subject myself to more of the same to see if there’s any substance here.
Learn to write for your medium, learn to use commas, and learn to get something of a sense of story within the first few pages.
You have your work cut out for you.
See the list for who’s next, and in the meantime, let’s discuss this.