Five Page Script - Feedback/Review wanted

[mashfreak]

Hi,

Below are the first five pages of my first Webcomic. (I plan to get find an artist through aCollaborations section on a forum.)

All feedback is helpful. Be as brutal as you want, it’s probably the best way to get better anyway.
Thanks,

Chris

Page 1. (Splash Page)
A man in his late thirties sits beaten and tied to a chair. His hair is black like his suit, and falls over his eyes, casting a shadow. His left cheek is bruised and his nose is bleeding. He is an Assassin. From off screen a voice comes.
OS: Tell me how.

Page 2. (6 panels)
P1
The man in the chair looks up, hatred filling his eyes. He relents.
Assassin: It was easy ‘cause you’d hired men from a security firm. Fifty in total, dispersed evenly throughout the house’s four stories.

P2
We see the man formerly off-screen, standing over his prisoner. He’s 50, but healthy and stylish. His suit is black, has a small blood stain, and is riddled with bullet holes. He speaks.
Captor: Continue...

P3
At a party the night before, the Assassin stands in a rising elevator, wearing the same suit as in Page 1. At his feet are the four dead men and women, all dressed in suits or dresses.
CAP: I arrived at the party as a guest, killed the men who questioned my identity and left their bodies in the elevator.

P4
The building’s top story. The elevator door dings, and standing inside we see the Assassin, drawing twin pistols from holsters strapped to his chest.
CAP: The door opened...

P5
He steps out of the elevator into a room filled with drug lords and their women. He begins to fire, while guards around him pull their guns.

P6
A bodyguard fires at the Assassin (who is just shooting at everything around him).

Page 3. (5 Panels)
P1
The Assassin turns and, having never been hit by the guards shot, shoots him.
CAP: Every employee of Levitz Securities is required to carry a .45 GAP Glock Handgun when at work. It had been so simple just to pay a janitor to replace their ammunition with blanks.

P2
He walks through the room, shooting still at the hired guards who shoot back helplessly.

P3
The Assassin has reached the room’s corner, and stands over a figure.
CAP: I found... the target.

P4
He lifts his gun and shoots. The frame’s angle has changed to reveal the figure to be his Captor interrogating him in Page 2 Panel 2.
CAP: And shot him.
SFX: BANG

P5
To be sure he continues to pump his body full of led. The muzzle’s flash lights up his face.
SFX: BANG BANG BANG

Page 4. (6 Panels)
P1
Back in the room from Page 1. The Assassin’s Captor brings a cigarette to his lips, smiling wickedly.
Captor: You were too good...
Far, far too good.

P2
Looking down almost tauntingly, still smiling wickedly, his captor lights his cigarette.
Captor: But your employer didn’t tell you I had powers...

P3
Back at the party his captor has dragged himself to his feet, riddled will gun shots and leaning against the wall for support. He shoots the assassin in the back with a small pistol.

P4
Captor leans in close to Assassin.
Captor: What you also probably don’t know is that while you pumped me full of led, several other individuals attacked men and operations belonging to my empire. The damage appears irreparable.

P5
Captor steps back, taking a drag on his cigarette.
Captor: There are five of you in total, and I’m convinced one of you ‘masterminded’ this plan. Which offcourse prompts the question...

P6
Captor blows out smoke.
Captor: Why haven’t I just killed all of you...?

Page 5. (6 Panels)
P1
As if looking from the Captor’s view we see the Assassin looking up at us with distain. He is still beaten and tied to his chair.
OS: It’s because I’m a fair man. So I’m going to give you a chance...

P2
Identical angle to the last frame. Captor is reciting the same speech as before but now we are looking down at one of the five others who attacked his empire on that night. She is a woman, has a bruise on her cheek, red hair and looks down at the floor, avoiding our gaze.
OS: I’m going to give you the chance to make it up to me...

P3
Identical angle to the last frame. Captor is reciting the same speech as before but now we are looking down at a seventy year old male politician, weak from a beating, but still looking up at us with hatred.
OS: 52 million US dollars by the end of the year...

P4
Identical angle to the last frame. Captor is reciting the same speech as before but now we are looking down at a male computer hacker, beaten and wearing thick, broken glasses, he is 20 years old.
CAP: In addition to the man or woman who led the conspiracy...

P5
Identical angle as the last frame. Captor is reciting the same speech as before but now we are looking down at a young woman, not beaten, and dressed in a cocktail dress. She too looks up with extreme hatred.
CAP: Or I will kill all of you...

P6
As if we were now sitting tied to the chair, we look up at him. Still smoking and grinning, he throws his arms out in gesture.
CAP: Shall we go and meet the others..?

[BrandonBarrows]

Well, there's numerous problems with this so I'll go chronologically.

1st page:


He is an Assassin.

Okay...unless he's killing someone in a stealthy manner in this panel, or wearing a shirt that says "ASSASSIN", there's no way to depict this. In addition, you haven't really given an artist enough to work with in this panel at all. What does the guy actually look like? You've only described his eyes and hair, both vaguely. Just saying he's in his late 30s isn't very helpful.

What is in the rest of the room? As it is, your first panel has a character sitting in a chair in a white, empty void.

You need to either give your artist an explicit description of what you wanted depicted, or give your artist a detailed character sheet before they ever see a script so they can design the characters, and then specifically tell your artist who is where, when, in each panel.


2nd page:


The man in the chair looks up, hatred filling his eyes. He relents.

Is he staring at his captor with hatred in his eyes or is he relenting? That's two different facial expressions, I'd think. I think you'd be better off with a small panel showing him glaring out of the frame, then a different panel showing him giving in. The two descriptions you've given just don't jive.


He’s 50, but healthy and stylish.

Okay, again there's no way to depict he's exactly 50 without him holding a "Happy 50th Birthday" balloon or something silly. Create a detailed character description for your artist beforehand, and give him some sort of name so the artist knows who this is in this panel.


At a party the night before, the Assassin stands in a rising elevator, wearing the same suit as in Page

Is he at a party, or in an elevator? Unless the party is in the elevator, this doesn't work. Unless you meant a glass elevator, which you didn't specify so the artist wouldn't know, and then he'd be showing off his handywork to a room full of witnesses which probably isn't what you wanted, either.


The building’s top story. The elevator door dings, and standing inside we see the Assassin, drawing twin pistols from holsters strapped to his chest.

How do we know this is the top floor? Is there a line of numbered lights above the elevator showing we're on the highest one? Is this the roof of the building? Be as specific as possible to ensure your artist knows what you want, if they are left guessing you will either likely be unhappy with the outcome or they will have to constantly come back to you for clarification.


He steps out of the elevator into a room filled with drug lords and their women. He begins to fire, while guards around him pull their guns.

How do we know these are drug lords? What is in the room? This panel is just too vague. Remember to be specific as to what you want in a panel.

Also, this is a split panel showing the character exiting the elevator then firing into a crowd or is it all to be depicted in one panel?

3rd Page:


Every employee of Levitz Securities is required to carry a .45 GAP Glock Handgun when at work. It had been so simple just to pay a janitor to replace their ammunition with blanks.

This is too far fetched to be believable, even in a comic. Why would a janitor have access to all the weaponry for fifty supposedly professional bodyguards? And if they're professionals, why would they never check their equipment? If I was your editor (which I guess I am for the moment), I'd tell you this is ridiculous and to rework it.

I'm going to skip over the fourth page, the dialogue is iffy but the panels aren't too bad.

5th Page


Identical angle to the last frame. Captor is reciting the same speech as before but now we are looking down at a seventy year old male politician, weak from a beating, but still looking up at us with hatred.

Identical angle to the last frame. Captor is reciting the same speech as before but now we are looking down at a male computer hacker, beaten and wearing thick, broken glasses, he is 20 years old.
CAP: In addition to the man or woman who led the conspiracy...

First, I wouldn't just keep repeating the same panel over and over with a different person. I'd at least change the angles around or something, but that's a personal choice.

Now then, this page has the same problem as earlier. There's no way to depict exact age for any of these characters, there's no way to show one character is a politician or another is a computer hacker. Create detailed character descriptions and a character sheet and give your characters names or decent descriptors like "Old Politician" or "Young Nerdy Guy" so the artist knows who is where.

Okay, bottom line: if this is your first effort it's not horrendous but you're clearly not familiar with the format and the craft. I'm guessing you're not an artist, but you haven't written many panels that are impossible which is a good start. Many new hopeful writers don't get that and just come up with things willynilly, so you've got a leg up. You do need to be MUCH more descriptive, or alternatively happy with whatever your artist comes up, with because if I was your artist, I'd send the script back to you.

The last major problem is your dialogue. It's just not natural. It's very stilted and doesn't ring true to life. Read works in the vein you're shooting for, watch movies in the genre, etc and get a feel for what other people think characters in these situations would say. When in doubt, read what you've written out loud. If it sounds awkward or unnatural, it probably is.

Anyway, I hope that wasn't too brutal.

[mashfreak]

Thankyou so much for your reply, I will no doubt learn from this.