Week 2- Dan Potter

[StevenForbes]

Hello, one and all, to another week of The Proving Grounds. This week, we have Dan Potter who’s decided to let his skills be examined under the microscope. Let’s see how he does!

Undone
Issue 1 script, pages 1-10


Page 1:

Panel 1: Looking down on Richard is sitting on the kitchen floor of Mrs. Donahue's apartment as he mops his forehead with a grimy looking rag. He's the superintendent of this very old boston apartment building. His sweaty and slighty grimy condition is in stark constrast to the kitchen which is so clean that Richard casts a reflection on the black and white checkered tile, despite the fact that several of the tiles are chipped. The cabinet under the sink is open, various tools are scattered about, visibly dirtying the spotless kitchen where they lay. A large tool box lays along the edge of the panel. To the left of the open cabinet sits a garbage disposal with the top off, (the top is already installed under the sink). To the right of the cabinet doors lies an open pocket watch there is a photo of a blond woman in the cover of the pocket watch. (A lot of detail, which is good, but in order to get all of this, we’re going to be pretty decently up in the air—about five feet. That’s going to be too far up for some of this, such as the detail in the pocket watch.)

Richard: That will just about do it, hon. Just got to pop the disposal in now and I'll call it a day. (Comma.)

Panel 2: Were looking up at Richard. He has slid the disposal to in front of him, grasping it with both hands as he looked down inside with a smile of admiration.

Richard: This turned out nicely.

Panel 3: Now the view is looking down inside the disposal at the grinding blade (which is a flat metal disk with some holes in it, similar to the blade on a food processor). The blade has been engraved with an complex solomon circle. We see at least some of the pocket watch on the edge of the panel. (I’m not seeing this in my head. This may need to be thumbnailed. I don’t know if you can feasibly fit the pocket watch here.)

Richard: It’s a shame something so pretty is going to be covered with kitchen goo but you can't take chances with Mrs. Donahue. (Apostrophe. It’s is a contraction of “it is.” “Its” is the possessive. Strange, I know. I have trouble with it myself on occasion.)

Panel 4: Focus is on the photo graph inside the pocket watch. View is angled so we can see Richard is now under the sink. The picture is a portrait photograph of a blond woman in her early Thirties. She's smiling prettily and her eyes are full of warmth.

Richard: If she can scrub it, she'll find it. She's found almost every one of the decorations I put in before she moved in.

Panel 5: Profile shot of Richard under the sink. His head is directly under the metal U-trap of the sink. He is screwing the disposal to the top of the pipe, most of the disposal is above the panel border. There is a small flashlight balanced on its end pointing up, illuminating the space. The panel should feel very claustrophobic. (This is a weak panel. Actually, this is a pretty weak page.)

Richard: She royally screwed up the numerology but this should-

The speech bubble is cutoff by the speech bubble of Mrs. Donahue in panel 6 (You see this right here? This may be destroying the layout in the artist’s head.)

Panel 6: Looking down on the sink with Richard chest deep in the sin cabinet (what is a sin cabinet?). He's been startled by Mrs. Donahue's voice and sieze by a sudden spasm, slamming his head into the U pipe. The impact isn't visible but the sound of it is. WHAM! (Spelling. Spelling is important for clarity. I’m having trouble parsing what you’re trying to say here. Your ‘wham’ is actually a sound effect. Put it in its proper place.)

Mrs. Donahue (off panel): Mr. Harrison?!


Page 2: (page break)

Panel 1: Close up on Richard, he's just hit his head pretty hard is slipping unconscious. His eyes are slits of white, as they have rolled back inside his head. A bump on his forehead is just starting to swell. Profile shot as we want the top of Richard head to be outside the panel

Panel 2: This panel is a flashback occurring in Richard's head and the gutter work should indicate this. Richard suffers from frequent flashbacks of the night his wife died. This panel is a flash from that night scene. The art should be different from that of the rest of the comic, go for a more classic look similar to sliver age comic books but not that stiff. A scene is of a road with a sharp bend in it. There is a car sized gap in the guard rails. To the left of the gap is a police car from the nineties and opposite it is an ambulance. A police officer and an EMT are struggling to pull a gurney up through the gap. The scene is lit by the headlights of a car, there are police flares littered around on the road. (I get it, but it’s not put to good use here. The only reason for that is because it’s only a single panel. If you’re going to do a flashback on page 2, it needs to be two things: longer and interesting. This is neither. Foreshadowing? If you say so. Poor placement and use? Definitely.)

Panel 3: View is from inside of the cabinet under the sink, looking out over Richard's substantial belly at Mrs. Donahue's face. She has bent over to peer at Richard, placing a hand on Richard's stomach, which has no less than four bracelets and a ring on every finger but the ring finger. Mrs. Donahue is a retired librarian who looks the part. Thick glasses and gray hair in a severe bun, she's about Richard's age, perhaps a little older. She has an obvious crush on Richard and tends to stand within his personal space. (Again, a lot of information. If you’re working with an artist, you should be going over the character designs with them beforehand. Otherwise, you may end up with something you don’t want, and will have to fix later. Why go through all the trouble for recurring characters?)

Mrs. Donahue: Mr.Harrison? Mr. Harrison, are you alright? (comma.)

Richard (face off panel): Uh *groooaaann* I.

Panel 4: Mrs. Donahue is at the sink holding a glass. She has just turned the water on. She's got a bit of an impish smile as she does so.

Mrs. Donahue: Poor dear, that was quite a thump! Let me get you a glass of water.

Richard(speaking through the drain.): No wait! Ack!

Panel 5: (A few minutes have passed.) A very damp Richard holding an icepack to his head. He is looking a bit sour at Mrs. Donahue who trying to stifle her laughter at the situation. She's brought her hand up to daintily cover her delighted smile and offering Richard a glass of water with her other one. Panel views them from the shoulders up. Richard is somewhat used to Mrs. Donahue's sense of humor, she usually attempts to get a rise out of him on some level when he goes to her apartment.

Donahue: Sorry about that.

Richard: You meant to do that.

Donahue: Why, I would never! Well maybe a little. (Comma, and the second sentence needs a pause. Putting it in its own bubble provides that pause.)

Panel 6: In the background Richard is drinking the water, tipping the glass back to get the last drop, making small glug, glug sounds. In the foreground Mrs. Donahue is bending over to pick up the pocket watch. (I’m not comfortable with this. First, if you’re going to have sound effects, put them in. Secondly, if you’re going to have someone speaking, they shouldn’t be performing an action such as drinking. They don’t match. [Well, maybe if the drinking sounds were after the dialogue, and in a balloon of their own.])

Donahue: Oh, very pretty. (You don’t like comma’s.)

Page 3: (page break)

Panel 1: Mrs. Donahue is standing up now, she's cradling the watch with two hands and examining the picture of Catherine. We're looking over her shoulder at the , which she is holding at chest level.

Mrs. Donahue: Who's this? Your daughter?

Panel 2: Richard snatches the watch out of Mrs. Donahue's hands. Viewing the front of both characters. Mrs. Donahue is looking at her hands in disbelief that Richard would do such a thing, her mouth opened in surprise, forming an oval with her lips. (Period. And you can’t perform an adequate snatch if both people are facing forward. If we’re viewing the front of both characters, both of them have to be facing front. Go get someone and have them stand beside you, holding a rock. No, I said ‘beside’, not ‘in front of.’ Both of you face front. Now, try to snatch that rock from their hand. Doesn’t work too well, does it? Neither does this panel.)

Donahue: Oh!

Panel 3: Richard has pulled the pocketwatch to his chest, just over his heart in a protective gesture. His entire posture is one possessiveness as he covers the watch with both hands. His sour mood from the previous page has deepened to a full blow scowl. (I’ll tell you what. You’re on P3, and I stopped being interested on P1. You’re taking way too long to get to some sort of point, especially with six panels to a page. I’m bored. Now, this possessiveness thing, I get it, but I’m not seeing it as realistic. Unless Donahue is new to the apartment [and it doesn’t sound like she is], she should know who that is, so this is ringing false, especially since you’re saying she has a crush on him and tries to get a rise out of him. This isn’t anything the reader would know from the panel descriptions, but the extra information you give is giving me ammo to poke holes in your storytelling. I won’t tell you to stop, because some of it can be useful to the artist, but I will say that you could cut down on the panel descriptions and still get your point across.)

Richard: That's my wife.

Panel 4: Mrs. Donahue is hurt. She has a slight pout and has tilted her face downwards and slightly away. She's blushing slightly. Her hands are clasped in front of her, right hand is covering the knuckles of the other, squeezing it. Richard has turned away, hanging his head as he grips his temples with the thumb and middle finger of his right hand.

Donahue: Oh. I see. No need to be so snippy.

Richard: Sigh. I'm sorry for snapping. I don't think I've let anyone else touch this watch since she passed.

Panel 5: Richard is in the process of kneeling down in front of the sink, he's lowered himself down on one knee, griping the counter with two hands for leverage. Mrs. Donahue is leaning on the same counter behind him looking down at with a sad smile. (Proofreading helps.)

Richard: Look, let me finish here and then I'll take me and my grump back to the basement.

Donahue: It’s alright. I still miss my Henry. (Apostrophe.)

Panel 6: Close up on Mrs. Donahue as leans of over the sink, head in hands, elbows on the counter top as she looks down the drain at Richard. She's smiling again.

Donahue: Perhaps I could make it up to you? How long has it been since you've had a good steak, Mr. Harrison? (Comma.)

Page 4: (page break)

Panel 1: A large framed photograph of Catherine. Younger that the picture in the locket, She's in her late twenties. The picture was taken on one of Catherine and Richard's rare vacations they took together, a cruise. She wearing a large knit sweater, leaning over the railing while looking at the camera and giving a big, happy smile while looking over the top of the sunglasses. (see: reference images for sunglasses and sweater) The picture is from the waist up. The frame is simple wood and the glass is clean, the wall its hung on is a different story. The wallpaper has begun to peel and the door frame left of the picture is dinged and dented. The picture is hanging next to the front door of Richard's apartment. The panel is position so we can just see the edge of the door opening towards the viewer. (Okay. You see this? This is one of two things: either your brain is faster than your fingers, or you don’t care how you present things to someone else. I’m going to go with the latter. Every single thing you send out is a job interview. Every one of them. This script you sent to me? This one right here? It’s a job interview. People [editors and artists] are eventually going to see it and say “Dan Potter? More trouble than he’s worth. If you intend to be a writer, then you have to learn the basics of writing. The basics of writing are spelling and grammar. Word has a built in spellcheck, which shows up as a red squiggly line underneath the misspelled word, and a grammar check, which shows up as a green line. I personally don’t pay too much attention to the green lines, but that’s because my grammar is okay. You should be paying attention to everything. If grammar isn’t your forte, then neither is writing. How else are you going to be clear with your panel descriptions? You want to get better at grammar, you have two choices: go back to school for English, or get a grammar book. There’s no shame in either. My wife has one because she has to write a lot of letters and memos, and her grammar is atrocious. We all do what we have to do. What are you going to do?)

SXFE: the opening of the door: (If you’re going to put in a sound effect, use the appropriate shorthand so that everyone knows what it is. SE is not short for sound effect. SFX is. That’s first. Second, if you’re going to use a sound effect, choose what your sound effect is going to be. That’s your job as a writer. Do your job, so the rest of the team can do theirs. Don’t force your job onto others.)

Panel 2: Looking down the short hallway that is the entry way to Richard's apartment. On the left is the door and the picture, across from it one the right is a double doored sliding closet. A the very end of the hallway is a storage unit for various odds and ends. It has about a hundred different little drawers, a mechanics card catalog. Richard has just entered and shut the door by slamming his back into it. He's looking up and speaking, exasperation on his face. He's just spent a good fifteen minutes avoiding a date with Mrs. Donahue. He's like a man complaining to god.

Richard: Dear Ggod, that woman is persistent. (Deities are always capitalized. And commas.)

Panel 3: Spash. Richard has walked into his kitchen and set his tools on the kitchen table, standing the middle of the room, back to the reader. The kitchen looks far more like a workshop than kitchen you'd want to actually cook in. Strewn about are various tools for all sorts of purposes. There is a vice on his counter next to the sink, pipes of various size are arranged in order on what could have been the stove. There is a butane torch set in one of the cabinets. Scattered among the tools are stacks of leather bound books. On the kitchen table sits a power engraving tool, a beige lab book, and an open book with the exact same soloman circle on its page as the one in the garbage disposal. On any vertical surface that is not otherwise occupied, a picture of Catherine hangs. There is also a picture of her on the table. (What is a spash? And more importantly, how can you call it a spash when there are two other panels on the page, neither of which are insets? A splash [notice the ‘L’?] takes up the entire page. It can have insets, but it cannot have other panels on the outside of it and be called a spash, splash, or anything else. This is simply a panel. If you want it larger than the others, just say so. ‘Large panel, bigger than the others.’ That kind of direction works wonderfully.)

Richard: But don't worry, honey, she's not my type. (Finally! We get a comma. You missed one, but got the other.)

Page 5: (page break)

Panel 1: Richard has sat down at the table, he is holding the photograph in front of himself with two hands. He's grinning down at the picture, he was originally just joking around but the flood of grief has started aknew in his mind, rendering his eyes watery and sad. (Spelling? You saw that red line. No, I didn’t correct it. And those run-on sentences…)

Richard: There is only one girl I think of when I close my eyes.

Panel 2: Background splash. Richard has clutched the photo to his chest in a desperate embrace. He's thrown his head forward, curling himself around the photo. His mouth is open, lower lip curling back over his teeth as a sob rattles around in his throat. Tears flow from the inner corner of his eyes down his nose. The details of this image don't actually matter, it's the raw emotion the image need to communicate. Richard has been struck by grief and guilt so hard that he's in physical pain from it. (No. You cannot have a panel as a background, and then throw four more panels on it. Here’s what you’ve done. You have panel 1, which will run the top of the page like a banner. It has to, if you want panel 2 to act like a “splash”. So, you have panel 2 that takes up the rest of the page. Now, you’re throwing four more panels on top of that. Those are going to be decently sized, which will all but obliterate your background panel.)

Panels 3-6: The following panels are happy memories of Richard's time with Catherine, they are bright, happy and idealized by the passage of time. Both Catherine and Richard should appear like they are having the time of their lives no matter what activity they are ingauged inThey orbit around the Richard in panel 2 with irregular borders. (Spelling? Punctuation?)

Panel 3: Catherine and Richard in the front seat of a 57' Thunderbird convertible. Richard is driving while Catherine has stood up in the passager seat while holding onto the top of the windshield, laughing as the wind whips her long hair around her head.

Panel 4: Richard and Catherine are dining at a fine restaurant, they are both leaning over the table to share a kiss, Richard's tie is in his meal, his hand covers hers on the table. She's wearing a sparkling dress.

Panel 5: Richard is cannon balling into a pool, Catherine, wearing a two peice suit is turning away to avoid the incoming splash, laughing as she does so.

Panel 6: Catherine stands in a doorway, clothed only linagery, a pile of clothing at her feet. She's leaning on one side, chest thrust out, face turned toward the viewer with a single finger on her lips. The looks should be both sweet and seductive.

Panel 7: Wide panel along the bottom of the page, its a memory and should be framed as such. However the content should be more realistically detailed than the rest of the comic. This should be the panel that pops when you look at the entire page, its a memory that every detail of is burned into Richard's brain. We're looking down on Catherine's body in the morgue. She was killed by driving her car off a cliff, hitting a tree and getting launched through the windshield. The top of her head is bashed in by blunt trauma, her clothes and skin were torn through by the glass, yet her face is only minorly damaged and the empty eyes stare up at the reader. (So, not only do we have a panel at the top, we have a panel at the bottom, too. This page is not going to work. Now, how do you frame a memory? I thought that was called a picture. Anyway, you’re not going to be able to fit all of this comfortably on the page, so I’m not going to worry about it too much.)

And five pages are all I have the stomach for.

Let’s run it down.

First, this was almost un-edited. It was sent in the incorrect format, originally as a .doc file. No, I wasn’t going to say anything to Dan, either. Like I said, if you’re not paying attention, why should I be bothered?

Secondly, this was pretty lazy writing. If I wrote something on everything that was wrong with this script, there’d be more red than black. I’m going to run it down in detail, and hopefully, we’ll never see something like this again.

I remember writing in Bolts & Nuts that part of the writer’s job was to make the job of the editor as easy as possible. That means simple things like proofreading and spellchecking. Remember, the script is the set of instructions for the rest of the creative team. If they have trouble making sense of the script, you’re going to be in trouble.

I had a hard time getting through this, for a number of reasons. The first reason is that this wasn’t written well at all. Too many easily fixed spelling and grammatical errors. Sending me the script in this state tells me you don’t care. Your not caring means I shouldn’t care, either.

Think of this as a manuscript to be handed in to a publisher for consideration. However, the manuscript has peanut butter and jelly stains on it, maybe a coffee/tea stain, and is that a footprint in the corner? And why the wrinkled pages? Do you think someone’s going to take your opus seriously if you handed it in in that condition? It’ll be opened, and as soon as the stains are seen, it’s going to be round-filed. That means “thrown in the garbage” for those of you who don’t know.

If you can’t do better than this when it comes to presentation before handing it in to someone for consideration for publication, you have one of three choices: give up now, because you’re not going to go anywhere; find/hire someone to go over it with you; send it in anyway and pray. I don’t know what praying will do, but if it makes you feel better, go ahead and do it.

In the interest of full disclosure, the original file came over as a .doc file, like I said, which means Word. I’ve used Word for a LONG time, so it’s safe to say I know how it works. Word has its spellcheck turned on as a default. Spelling and grammar, actually. Spelling has a red line underneath it, grammar a green line. Pretty simple, especially when you change the name of the game to “make the lines disappear.” If you don’t play that game, you’re setting yourself up for failure. Simply put, there's no reason why you missed capitalizing Solomon more than once. It's a proper name, as in King Solomon. Would you take it personally if you were just dan?

Now, about the story itself.

I was bored. In five pages, you’ve done nothing to engage the reader, to make them want to turn the page. The only thing that was semi-interesting was the “numerology” comment on P1, but that’s not enough to carry interest.

Are you pagan? Ever studied magick? Do you have any sense of how a spell is constructed or works? Personally, I don’t think so. Those who have studied have too hard of a time trying to put too much stuff in, rather than leaving so much out. They’re too eager to show what they know. So, I’m going to say you’re faking the funk. Trust me, magick is hard.

Throughout these entire five pages, you’ve generally failed to engage the reader with anything interesting. You have a flashback panel on P2 that doesn’t go anywhere. It’s too short of a flashback by far, and honestly, I believe it’s too soon to use one. We’ve just opened the book, starting in the present, and you want to change the setting already? I don’t care that it was only for a panel. To tell the truth, that’s part of the problem!

The flashback would be put to better use if it were near the end of a full scene. Let’s call it near the end of P5, we have the flashback, and let it run for a page to a page and a half. As long as it makes sense, it’s good. This means, by the way, that your pacing is off.

That P5 is horrible. I’d love to see an artist tackle that. Three panels, with four insets in panel 2. Seven panels in total. Panel 2 isn’t going to work, because the insets are going to take up too much space. The only saving grace to this page is the fact there’s no dialogue. We’ll come to that in a moment.

I want you all to understand something, and if I haven’t said it before, then I apologize: when it comes to panels on a page, the more panels you add, the smaller all of the panels become. I know I’ve said that the more panels you add, the “longer” the page takes, because panels equal time, but panels also equal real estate. The more panels you have, the smaller each individual panel will be. That’s just simple physics.

Of these five pages, you have an average of six panels. Not bad. You also have a minimum of speaking, which is also not bad. However, that minimum of speaking is working against you here because your panel descriptions aren’t visually appealing.

When writing comics, you want to come in late and leave early. Start as late as possible in the scene, and get out as fast as possible. This creates drama. Despite your intentions, there is no drama here.

Your panel descriptions have too much in the way of superfluous information. You have things in there that won’t matter, not even to the artist. They’re not helping the mood, and they’re certainly not helping the setting. There’s no point to them. I could rewrite your panel descriptions, cutting them in half, and still get the same thrust of the panel you’re going for. That’s not good.

Besides too much useless description in the panel descriptions, the panels themselves are either impossible to draw or are weak storytelling, if not both.

If you had a choice to either start a story off strong or weak, which would you rather take? If you said strong, why are you doing the diametric opposite of that? If you said weak, why? You’ve posted versions of this plumber story on DW before. My ultimate question is, why are you continuing to hammer away at an opening that obviously doesn’t work?

Yes, I’d like answers to all of these questions.

Now, I didn’t look at the rest of the pages. I have no urge to. I don’t even know what the story is about. I don’t get anything from the pages I’ve gone through, nor from the title of the story. While not bad, I’m going to say not good. I don’t have to get a sense of story from the first scene, but it would definitely help. I don’t get a sense of story, though, and it doesn’t seem like one is going to be coming anytime soon. I could be wrong, and probably am, but that’s what I feel.

Five pages is too long to not engage a new reader. Five pages is death. Some are of the school that you should hit them between the eyes with the first page, and there is some merit to that statement. As a new writer, you want to hook them as fast as possible, and you don’t get any faster than with the first page. However, I’m of the mind that you have three pages of a standard length story to hook a reader. You went two pages beyond that, Dan, and still didn’t get it done.

These five pages could have been done in three, with five panels each.

On the good side, the dialogue is actually pretty serviceable. Boring, sure, but serviceable. I could believe these characters saying these things. You need help with comma’s, but I think that goes back to a lack of writing skill. You’ve shown that you somewhat know where to place them, which leaves me a little confused. But from a listening standpoint, I could read this aloud and want to change very little. Good job.

Now, I want you to take everything I just said about this script and realize something: the way you sent this to me, not only will this never see print, it will never even get a rejection notice. That’s pretty sad, and it’s not because of the story. Story is part of it, sure, but it’s also about presentation, which I went over in detail to begin with.

Clean this up, open with something interesting, and feel free to send it back for another go-round.


And that's it for this week. Harsh? More than likely. However, I'm serious when I state that this doesn't deserve a rejection notice. Sending in work like this, thinking it's "ready", is what keeps the slush pile growing. If you want someone to blame for companies not sending any kind of word back saying whether or not they want to work with you--thinking to yourself some sort of acknowledgment of receipt would be nice--you don't have to look much further than this.

No, I'm not being cruel for its own sake. I'm calling it as I see it.

Let's discuss it and see what you think.

And I do like the deep red better. Thanks for the suggestion, Jason. Anyone having a problem seeing it?

Next week, we'll have Barri Lang, and the week after that, Paul B. DeBerry

See you then!
______________________________________
The Proving Grounds live and die by your participation. Send all scripts, questions, and complaints to stevedforbes@projectfanboy.com. Especially scripts and complaints. Complaining to the mods won't help much. You knew it was going to be rough going in. And read the rules first. Thanks.

[tylerjames]

Dan,

You just got some tough love there. Probably doesn't seem like there was anything "loving" about it, but I'm just gonna send a wish your way, hoping you listen to what Steven had to say and keep your chin up.

I'm speaking from experience, as I too have been on the receiving end of Steven's red ink. On the bright side, you got it for free, whereas I paid for it. (And it was worth every penny.) But really, how you respond to this is going to say a lot about yourself and your future as a writer.

Was Steven hard on you? Yeah. But he's stated from the very beginning, that he isn't concerned with you or your feelings...he is only judging the work. You know who else isn't going to be concerned with your feelings? The reader. You will be judged solely on your work, and rise or fall based on its quality.

Dan, I commend you for being willing to have your work scrutinized in public in this way, and hope you take on the challenge of improving your craft.

And Steven, while I know you like to have your columns done several weeks in advance, I hope you'll give Barri Lang, Paul B. DeBerry, or any other future Proving Grounders the opportunity (should they choose) to polish up their scripts once more before you edit them, taking into account this week's column.

[tylerjames]

Good one, Seb!

And no Steven, I hope I didn't sound like I felt cheated. Not in the least. More than even the editing (which was excellent), your comments and perspective on craft and work ethic gave me the needed kick in the arse to focus on getting better at the exact time I needed it.

You can't really put a price on that.

[StevenForbes]

See? This is why everyone needs an editor!

Tyler: Good. I didn't think you did, and you didn't sound like it, but I try to be clear when I can. (If not, I'll have Seb to correct me!)

[Pounce]

Well I hope you all learned something. I know I did.

Before I respond directly to Steven I want to explain what I was attempting to accomplish with this script.

The scene was written to establish Richard’s character before something bad happens. The intention was to invoke curiosity to what Richard is up to and show the reader that he’s grieving his wife.

In this rewrite I’ve stripped the heavy handed narration, shortened the journey to the interesting bit (yes that was shortened, its on page 10) and punched up the interaction between Richard and Donahue. I couldn’t quite get all the information though the pictures so I felt it was necessary so Richard developed a habit of talking to Catherine. I’m really glad that bit seemed to work.

On to the specific bits:

I was bored. In five pages, you’ve done nothing to engage the reader, to make them want to turn the page. The only thing that was semi-interesting was the “numerology” comment on P1, but that’s not enough to carry interest.

The intention was to pique your curiosity with the circle and his rambling. Looks like I got you a little bit on page one and lost you on page two. I think this entire scene is heading to the trash.

Are you pagan? Ever studied magick? Do you have any sense of how a spell is constructed or works? Personally, I don’t think so. Those who have studied have too hard of a time trying to put too much stuff in, rather than leaving so much out. They’re too eager to show what they know. So, I’m going to say you’re faking the funk. Trust me, magick is hard.

Guilty as charged. I draw most of my magick knowledge from world of Darkness games. Still I don’t really view that as a fault as it is internally consistent within the the world. That won’t be apparent within the first five pages no matter what I do. This is supposed to be the hook, not a world encyclopedia.

Throughout these entire five pages, you’ve generally failed to engage the reader with anything interesting. You have a flashback panel on P2 that doesn’t go anywhere. It’s too short of a flashback by far, and honestly, I believe it’s too soon to use one. We’ve just opened the book, starting in the present, and you want to change the setting already? I don’t care that it was only for a panel. To tell the truth, that’s part of the problem!

The flashback would be put to better use if it were near the end of a full scene. Let’s call it near the end of P5, we have the flashback, and let it run for a page to a page and a half. As long as it makes sense, it’s good. This means, by the way, that your pacing is off.

Flash back was originally the entire page 2. I moved it to page ten and left the on panel there as foreshadowing and in an attempt to illustrate that he’s haunted by flashbacks. How would you communicate that effectively?

That P5 is horrible. I’d love to see an artist tackle that. Three panels, with four insets in panel 2. Seven panels in total. Panel 2 isn’t going to work, because the insets are going to take up too much space. The only saving grace to this page is the fact there’s no dialogue. We’ll come to that in a moment.

Aww, I was really proud of page 5. I envisioned the inset panels as tiny, less than an inch by an inch. Thats probably a page I’d want to try laying out myself. Maybe if I cut the first panel out?

Of these five pages, you have an average of six panels. Not bad. You also have a minimum of speaking, which is also not bad. However, that minimum of speaking is working against you here because your panel descriptions aren’t visually appealing.

The art of the interesting panel description is not something I have the hang of yet. I’m basically listing elements I want in the frame. I need to read more comic scripts. As for number of panels, my major comic influences are Gaiman (Yes I can hear your groaning) and the Foglios. Both of them tend toward a denser panel count than most, Sandman’s average panel count is seven while its not uncommon for Girl Genius pages to have eight or more panels. I realize thats a bit ambitious for a beginner so I tend to start with a 2x3 layout, but I try not to be afraid of upping the panel count for pages that have a lot of dialog.

When writing comics, you want to come in late and leave early. Start as late as possible in the scene, and get out as fast as possible. This creates drama. Despite your intentions, there is no drama here.

Could you expand on this a little bit?

Your panel descriptions have too much in the way of superfluous information. You have things in there that won’t matter, not even to the artist. They’re not helping the mood, and they’re certainly not helping the setting. There’s no point to them. I could rewrite your panel descriptions, cutting them in half, and still get the same thrust of the panel you’re going for. That’s not good.

This goes back to me not being comfortable with simply describing the action, so I attempt to communicate the motive behind the action so the artist and understand the mental state of the character and craft a facial expression that is a bit more subtle that me saying, he’s shocked, she’s tired and ticked off, ect.

If you had a choice to either start a story off strong or weak, which would you rather take? If you said strong, why are you doing the diametric opposite of that? If you said weak, why? You’ve posted versions of this plumber story on DW before. My ultimate question is, why are you continuing to hammer away at an opening that obviously doesn’t work?

This story is about change, its about upheaval. Because of that, I feel a need to establish the baseline for Richard, his life, and his world before I turn everything upside down. Thats really why everything is so mundane in these first pages, that is the point. (sorry, having an epiphany here) What I’ve been trying to do is pepper that normalcy with hint of something is going to happen but its clearly not enough. So I was hoping that I could draw the reader in by giving them a fuse to follow into the explosion. But the fuse was too long or unnoticeable. I think I’m going to start after the explosion, now, this entire issue is going to be skipped.

On the good side, the dialogue is actually pretty serviceable. Boring, sure, but serviceable. I could believe these characters saying these things. You need help with comma’s, but I think that goes back to a lack of writing skill. You’ve shown that you somewhat know where to place them, which leaves me a little confused. But from a listening standpoint, I could read this aloud and want to change very little. Good job.

Woohoo! (I’ll take what I can get )

Clean this up, open with something interesting, and feel free to send it back for another go-round.

Count on it.

-Dan Potter

[SAM]

Originally Posted by Pounce

I need to read more comic scripts.

This is a great source of those: comicbookscriptarchive.com

Spence Mitchell

[BarriLang]

UMMM can I take my script back?!?

Just kidding... Having EVERY tiny and massive mistake pointed out is gonna be a God send! No better way to fix a problem than to know EXACTLY what your problem is.

Looking over this weeks edit I can see some things that will be cropping up in my script too... get your brightness turned down guys and prepare for the RED



P.S I'm a Welshman and English isn't my 1st Language... "Cymraeg yw fy iaith gyntaf." (that said, "Welsh is my 1st language.").... Oh how desperate is that!! Getting a defence in before I've seen the edit!

[Cary]

heh. Steve and his damn red ink. been there and done that. but i do firmly believe what he says. everyone needs an editor. i don't care who you are at some point what you write gets turned around in your head and you aren't conveying what you want or need to be conveying. Editors catch that and make writers look far better than they deserve to sometimes.

one thing he mentioned about panels and real estate...if you're gonna write for comics, you desperately need to know the form deeper than just being a reader of comics. would you film a movie because Star Wars was the greatest movie ever and you've seen it a hundred times? no. you'd study, you would learn, and then you'd go out and make something far less interesting than Clerks most likely, but at least you'd have the knowledge base from which to build. two resources i highly recommend for every single comic book writer on the planet.

1. Will Eisner's Comics and Sequential art. But you aren't an artist you say? i say you're nuts. writing is just as much art as the guy with the pencil. you simply convey in a different way. Eisner gives a TON of tips and tricks for use in making great comics, and writers can glean as much or more from it as pencil artists. get this book, even if you have to borrow it.

2. Wally Wood's 22 Panels that always work. this is easy. go here: http://badelements.net/22panels.jpg and save it to your hard drive. then print it big and hang it next to your writing nest. i have sent this to every artist i work with to EXCELLENT effect. i can ref a panel view if i want to, but normally i don't. they know. but this gives a writer a huge leg up in designing a page through the script. you can use the reference to frame a page for effect rather than dance around the subject till your feet hurt. this has helped me out of a bind more than once.

and just so ya know, i sent Steve a script for this as well. can't wait to see how that turns out.

[Pounce]

If anyone is curious as to what happened to this script, I launched Walking the Lethe in January. Most of the script I submitted to Steven was discarded but this is the same story. Still not perfect, but I like to think of it as a strong start to my second webcomic.

Cheers,

Daniel Potter

[harryd]

Congrats on getting it going.